Chapter 12 - Peace Breaks Out

*see appendix β for the calendar used on the back side of the page. **Constantly Electrocuted Organisms ***A cobbler is basically a pie that is square, thus π2 = Cobbler.

After a long 3 month conflict (it started on Estándo Biéndolos 3rd and ended on the 54th of Appothymer)*, the War of The Farmers finally ended at the battle of fertilizer hill. The War of the Farmers was started when two farmers go into an argument about what vegetables kids hate the most. The House of Pork was losing the battle due to the lack of food (their pigs were too useful in battle for them to be eaten) and the constant bombardment of giant cucumbers from the opposing side, the House of Lamb Castles. The giant cucumbers could be used for food but it was too dangerous to harvest them because of the threat of being squashed by cucumbers from the sky. The turning point in the wars was when the radioactive tsetse flies were found to be indestructible, and were sent out to retrieve the cucumbers form the battle grounds and forced to work in pickle factories making rations for the soldiers (radioactive flies were not used as soldiers because of there tendency to be easily distracted by all the garbage and debris on the battlefield). Problems arose when it was discovered that the tsetse flies had been using cheap tiny plastic imitation cucumbers because they would get very bad headaches when they were hit from the giant falling cucumbers. This caused an outrage from the soldiers, not because they didn’t like the plastic pickles (they were actually much better tasting than the alternative, a synthetic polymer version of a brine and vinegar treated fruit form the Cucumis Sativus plant) but because an unknown third party promised to give them a bunch of free candy if they protested against the tsetse flies and their nefarious cost cutting schemes. The House of York revoked the pickle pickling license form the tsetse flies and had the “Candy Store and Pickle Factory that Definitely Doesn’t Secretly use Tsetse Fly Slave Labor” produce their pickle products. This further caused the flies to become oppressed because in reality the “Candy Store…” place actually did secretly uses tsetse fly for slave labor (except for their Canadian subsidiary that used them for slave labour). The only other jobs available for large radioactive flies were even worse than slave labor, like being crash-test dummies, cleaning dorms or being CEO’s** of multi billion dollar corporations. One of the worst off tsetse flies was Radium Enriched Tsetse Fly Number 9.8696044… (often shortened to Rad Rich Fly num. ππ [usually further shortened to RaEF #π^2 {shortened even further to Cobbler*** (which is not usually shortened to Cob)}]). One of the problems Cobbler had that even though he was rather large for a tsetse fly he was rather small for a radioactive tsetse fly. He also had a very hard time filling out official paperwork because it took a very long time to write out his full official name due to the fact that it had 29 characters followed by an infinite series of numbers after it. The worst problem Cobbler had was that he was a Sus scrofa biting amplification, intensification and weaponization tester, so he basically spent his time being bitten by angry pigs with various types of dentures designed to maximize damage done per bite as well as the BPM (bites per minute).Cobbler was one of best employees at the testing facility, mostly because he got laryngitis and thus couldn’t scream very loud, and was rewarded by being the only tester they kept after the War of the Farmers was over. Sadly Cobbler’s life was going to get even worse, for he had dared to argue against the Narrator, a most foolish and… “Wait!” cried Cobbler, “I never argued with the narrator, I heard what happened to that poor fool, Joe. I would never argue with the almighty Narrator” Suddenly Cobbler realized that he had in fact argued with the Narrator about arguing with the Narrator, and thus the Narrator was right when he said the Cobbler had argued with him, the Narrator. “That’s not fair, you tricked me! I’ll report you to the Writer!” Sadly Cobbler didn’t realize that the writer is probably the same person and thus will probably take the side of the Narrator, and thus the Narrator will unleash horrible doom upon the argumentative Cobbler. (Luckily for Cobbler the Writer is slightly annoyed at the Narrator and thus will only allow the Narrator to give Cobbler Joe’s blue afro.) Pow? Blueafaummmm!!!