Chapter 52 - cAPS lOCK

*The Candy Store is located in an extra-dimensional space (to save on rent) and thus The Candy Store worker is not currently in the town.

Cobbler’s plan to unleash garbage to distract the fly mob was coming together nicely. All he still had to do was obtain a large pile of intriguing trash, find a place to stow it and then create a triggering mechanism to dump it at the exact right time. While there place he was currently in was full of all sorts of interesting piles of debris and rubble Cobbler wanted to find some garbage that was truly amazing to ensure that the angry fly mob would be entirely distracted by it. Thus Cobbler set out towards a nearby ordinary city hoping to find some extraordinary garbage. Upon arrival in the city, Cobbler started to amass trash. He started with the dumpsters and then started with the random litter on the street (of which there was plenty, especially as he considered an abandon car to be litter). Cobbler has quickly gathered more trash than he could carry so he started to pile it up in the park, as the area was mostly empty except for a large mountainous statue of some giant heads and a cow fly thing. Cobbler continued to work in peace, the city was empty except for a single person in the park who seemed too preoccupied eating to notice the trash building up around him.

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Aaron ventured into the almost completely empty city (it currently contained Joe, Cobbler and Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore*). He had been tasked with the task to make Joe succeed at success. His reasons for doing so were far less clear than his mission. The man with the trench coat had offered Aaron something, something that was very desirable, but whether Aaron or the man in the trench coat knew what that something actually was was something yet to be seen. Despite the unclear motivations Aaron was firmly set upon completion and thus hurried to work. As Cobbler was busy working to collect trash in the park, Aaron was busy reconfiguring the garbage heap to make it as least interesting as possible. His goal was to make the heap so boring and repulsive that even giant radioactive tsetse flies would find it unappealing and thus not get distracted playing around in it. He was unsure how the mob not getting distracted would be a good thing, but he knew that whatever Cobbler was up to was bound to fail and thus he must do all he could to make sure Cobbler fails in the execution of his plan so that the results would not be the failure.

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A few hours after the arrival of Cobbler the angry fly mob arrived at the city. They had taken a short detour on the way to visit the wall (a prime tourist destination in this area) but upon seeing it destroyed it made them all the more angry (they had planned on destroying it themselves). The now furious mob of flies descended upon the streets looking for people to tickill. This proved to be difficult as all the people of the city had already fled in terror when they heard the fly mob was coming, leaving them with no targets for their wrath. After finding the city abandon the mob converged on the park to investigate the pile of garbage that resided there. Upon reaching the park the intriguing looking trash from afar was discovered to be a quite ordinary heap of rubbish, however there was something in the area that caught the mob’s attention. On the other side of the large mountainous statue thing in center of the park was a person who seemed completely oblivious to the arrival of the fly mob. The fly mob split in half, half going to investigate the garbage heap for anything that may be interesting and the other half to go and tickill the person foolish enough to have stayed in town.

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Joe had settled down in a nice shady patch in the park and proceeded to eat his jawbreaker, or at least he attempted to eat his jawbreaker. The task of eating it proved to be more difficult than he had initially imagined. Upon acquisition of the jawbreaker Joe was pleasantly surprised to see that the label said it was “sweet potata” flavored. He assumed that “sweet potata” meant “sweet potato” and that in this strange world the spelling was a little unusual. Joe was quite excited about the flavor as sweet potatoes had always been his most favorite kind of orange colored food. He had fond memories of when he was a child of eating sweet potatoes prepared by his mother. They would come out of the oven all nice and warm and then be stuffed full of so many spoonfuls of brown sugar and marshmallows that any beneficial nutrients in the original food was entirely destroyed. Just the thought of such a happy childhood memory made his mind drift off into a happy and carefree place despite his current circumstances (failing at saving the world form certain doom and all). A short time later Joe’s stomach became rather grumbly about the current consumption of food to thinking about food ratio and pulled Joe’s adrift mind back to its post. Joe, having been pulled back into reality, unwrapped the jawbreaker and took a big bite, ready for the warm gooey tastes of his child hood. Instead Joe’s senses were overwhelmed with the following noise:

BuZZZZZZZZZ CRUNCH!! ZZZZZ

This greatly confused Joe, his treat was not supposed to buzz or crunch and it was most certainly not supposed to do both simultaneously. Upon looking around Joe was relived to realize that the buzz had not originated from his candy but was in fact being caused by the giant mob of angry radioactive tsetse flies that were flying towards him. The presence of the mob did little to scare Joe for he knew a grand hero of the universe was nearby and he had acquired the one weapon able to stop this menace. Upon examining his line of reasoning Joe realized that he was the grand hero of the universe and he had skipped out on acquiring the only weapon that could stop the flies due to fear of junk mail. This realization struck Joe with so much terror that his fear was so great it overflowed the bounds of his brain leaving him with feeling of very little fear. However he did have a much higher capacity for disgust and the disgust from the CRUNCH of that jawbreaker was so great that is caused Joe to pass out. The half of the fly mob in pursuit of Joe closed in. The flies quickly landed around Joe and pulled out their fearsome feathers. Just as the closed in to tickill him there was a strange flash of light accompanied by what sounded like an avalanche of cattle. As the rumblings and mooings subsided the mob heard a lone voice yell out “STOP! We must stop this meaningless destruction!”

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Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore had originally felt like he was getting better when he had awoken in the park in the abandon city but now he was feeling much worse. The tall buildings had reinforced the Mount Rushmore desire to stand tall and the park full of grass has renewed his stunt cow desired to graze. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore now felt the least like a fly he had even felt. The only thing allowing Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore to hold onto his flyness was the intriguing mound of trash that had been deposited beside him, but it was not enough. As time passed the trash heap became less and less interesting despite its growing size while the pulls of the grassy fields and tall buildings continued in full strength. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore could not hold out for long, his flyness was ever weakening and he feared he would soon fully succumb to his new identity. Fortunately for the Florg of Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore he heard the distinct sound of an approaching hoard of tsetse flies. This familiar sound helped Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore hold onto himself and made his tsetse fly self to grow in strength as the sounds grew louder. The fly mob soon arrived in town and converged on the park. Some of the flies swarmed the garbage heap investigating every little bit and random scrap of it while the others surrounded a lone figure in the park feathers at the ready. The immense amount of tsetse fly activity in such close proximity invigorated Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore and with all of his radioactive fly strength he pushed off Mount Rushmore and Stunt Cow 2 in a large flash of personality. Florg once more was his only identity, however pushing off such large and daring personalities proved to be rather draining, and despite the buzz of tsetse fly energy all around him, Flog passed out.

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Cobbler had been out searching for trash when the fly mob arrived, and due to his loud humming remained completely oblivious to their arrival until he started back to the park with his latest load. When he reached the park he initially though some flies had come to help join him in his quest but then he saw them ransacking the trash heap and swarming around Joe and he realized that this was the mob of still angry flies. Cobbler’s mind raced trying to figure out something he could do to stop this mob as it seemed the garbage pile was doing little to distract them. As Cobbler looked on the scene bellow a most unusual thing happened. The mountainous statue thing below seemed to be changing. As the flies raged around it, it seemed to be growing less rocky and more insect-like. Suddenly there was a large flash and the entire thing disappeared leaving behind a normal looking radioactive tsetse fly. Cobbler recognized the fly below as Florg, a fly that used to live just down the road from him. He started to piece together what must had happened. Poor Florg had has his identity stolen and replaced with that of a cow statue. The constant pillaging and destruction of the angry fly mob had caused the situation with poor Florg to have been overlooked, which resulted in his new identity to take hold. This new identity had been so large that they had drained Florg of all his strength attempting to fight them off causing him to pass away. Cobbler quickly flew up above the mob and cried out as loud as he could “STOP! We must stop this meaningless destruction!” The strange flash and noises had caused the fly mob to pause and upon hearing Cobbler yell they all stopped to hear what he had to say. “My fellow flies, we must stop all this rampaging and destruction. Today one of our own was lost forever.” This statement caused lots of confused murmuring among the fly mob. Being indestructible had made most of them assume they were indestructible. “This was not caused by some imagined enemy or hated city, but rather by us, the tsetse flies. Below me you can see Florg, one of our own, who had his identity stolen by some very strong personalities. The invading identities were so strong that he could not push them off on his own, and eventually he succumbed to the new him.” “These attacks were started because the other people were trying to oppress us. But now you must realize that in pursuit of revenge we have neglected our own to the point of losing one, something that never before has happened in the history of the indestructible radioactive tsetse flies. In seeking punishment we had become worse than the people we sought to punish, and have caused far worse things to happen than they ever could.”

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Cobbler’s speech greatly moved the fly mob. They now realized that they had acted wrongly in their quest for revenge, and that in doing so they had caused much more harm than good. Most of the flies were also rather tired from all this frenzied destruction and looking forward to a long nap. The mob started to disburse, with flies leaving their fearsome tickilling feathers behind in exchange to an armload of interesting trash. As the flies flew away back to their villages to resume their priory peaceful lives Flog awoke. “Hey Florg” Cobbler called out “When did you get here? Did you hear that Florg died?” Florg was still a little lightheaded from passing out and Cobbler’s questions momentarily stunned him. Meanwhile Cobbler started to process the questions he had asked and suddenly realized the absurdity of what he had said. “Oh no!” cried Cobbler “You weren’t dead, you had just been knocked out. That speech I gave to convince the mob to return to peaceful activities was based on a flawed premise! I must go gather everyone up and tell them they don’t have a reason to stop revolting. With this corrected information…” Cobbler was suddenly interrupted by Florg who was still to worn out to directly speak but never the less he told Cobbler that it was fine, he was sure to fail at his attempts to restart the mob which would probably result in the flies becoming so passive they would all go comatose. Cobbler reluctantly agree as being comatose was one of his least favorite activities, right above gift wrapping and below being bit by weaponized pigs. With the matter settled Cobbler and Florg flew off back to their village looking forward to a spectacle requiring optic soup night.

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The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) was confused at the reports that had just been delivered. One report showed the status of Joe on his quest to stop the dangerous tsetse fly mob that was out to destroy the world. It showed that upon reaching the store guarded by Ned the Salesman instead of entering Joe had left, entered an abandon town and bought a jawbreaker from the local candy store and went to a park. While seeing Joe do silly things while he was supposed to be saving the universe was not too surprising the strange part was due to the contents of his other report. That report was on the activities of the radioactive tsetse fly mob. The mob after taking a small stop by the wall had entered the same town that Joe had, however instead of destroying the town the mob congregated at the same park Joe was in and after a little while the mob put down their feathers, cleaned the trash out of the park and flew home. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) had no idea how Joe had managed to convince the fly mob to stop with just a jawbreaker, but that jawbreaker was sure to have record sales once the public was told that it was responsible for saving the world. To reward Joe for his brave deeds, The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) sent out a messenger to award Joe ALL CAPITAL LETTERS and to summon him to the hall of The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) for a press conference to regale everyone with tales of his exploits (and why the jawbreaker was so important).

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Joe awoke in the now empty park, greatly bewildered as to what had happened. The angry fly mob was gone, the strange cow statue mountain thing was nowhere in sight, even the large mound of trash that had been heaped inexplicably in a park was gone. All that remained was Joe and that terrible crunchy jawbreaker. He had no idea why anyone would make such a vile creation but he knew now that despite its grand happy sweet potato looks it was most certainly not anything like his favorite childhood food. Joe was torn as to what he should do, he felt he should find the nefarious jawbreaker and make sure it was properly contained to prevent danger to anyone else but he was also terrified at the idea of contacting the jawbreaker again lest he inadvertently taste it. Despite the risks he knew he must dispose of it, no matter what the risk to himself he could not leave this dangerous item out where it could harm anyone else. As Joe finished disposing of the diabolical jawbreaker, a messenger arrived from The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner). “Greetings Joe! The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) extends his congratulations on success of your quest. Your brave actions have save countless lives. As a reward you are to be given ALL CAPITAL LETTERS and will be escorted to the hall of The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) for personal congratulations.” JOE (J) gratefully accepted the letters, assuming they were a reward for his daring disposal of the terrible jawbreaker. After his experience losing his capital ‘J’ JOE (J) decided to keep his original capital ‘J’ as a reserve letter incase something were to happen to his newly awarded letters. At this thought an ominous shadow in the shape of a four appeared before JOE (J), but moments after it had appeared it vanished. JOE (J) figured the strange four shadow was nothing more than a trick of the eye and paid little attention to it. Instead he hurried off with the messenger to visit the hall of The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) for congratulations on his heroics.

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The man in the trench was pleased. He had observed all that had occurred in the park. His plan had resulted in success at success and success at failure. The mob of tsetse flies making up the tsetse fly mob was no longer a threat and now his plan that he had planned would be able to continue as planned without any further interruptions to his plan. Soon he would be able to be rid of this most silly partnership by removing his partner from the partnership leaving him partnerless. The man in the trench coat was most certainly excited with excitement from the exciting results. For the man knew some knowledge that soon the candy store owner would be deposed, and he, The Ruler of the Universe, would once again have sole control over The Universe, and now the candy store.