Joe on Bear Shark Chariot!!!

Chapter 49 - A Plan

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

With renewed determination and unobstructed vision Cobbler flew off towards the now mostly destroyed city in the hopes of stopping its inevitable destruction. Despite the many setbacks Cobbler had experienced he finally managed to arrive at the city, which he found to be a rather nice place for a giant radioactive fly. The streets were covered in piles of rubble and other debris resulting in all sorts of interesting looking lumps and intriguing new smells. Cobbler was unsure why the angry fly mob was determined to destroy this rather nice place but he was set upon stopping them. In order to stop the angry mob Cobbler worked on constructing an elaborate trap, when the mob came to destroy this pile of rubble he would unleash a large bag of garbage which would most certainly be so intriguing that it would cause the flies to forget their previous mission of terror and go play in it.

Chapter 50 - “Members Only”

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Aaron exited the snack tunnels with a large bag of absconded snacks, eager to set out and enjoy his tasty plunder. However the man in the trench coat had different plans for Aaron. He would not have time to enjoy his snacks for he was destined for a destiny of successive successes. He would plunder to plunder and snacks to snack on later for now the action required was action. The trench coat man’s minions soon found Aaron and informed him of the information they had been given. The man in the trench coat knew this knowledge needed to necessitate Aaron’s cooperation and thus he had been specially formed it to form a need to help in the mind of the recipient. Upon receiving this knowledge Aaron, the recipient, knew what he must do. He set out to seek success in succeeding but failure at failing at the tasks he had been tasked to do. It was unclear what assignments he had been assigned to do but it certainly was certain that the work he worked to do would result in results that would make Joe succeed at what he was currently failing at.

Chapter 51 - Jawbreaker

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

*While much less dangerous than Ned the Salesman the workers at The Candy Store are much feared for their strong selling abilities. **The jawbreakers are amazing as they net The Candy Store more in profit than the customer pays for them.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore awoke to find himself in what seemed to be a park in the middle of a city. The tourists that had been surrounding him were nowhere to be found and without their reinforcement of his new identity he felt more like himself, or at least more like Florg Stunt Cow 2 and not Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore which was still not like feeling like Florg but it was a step in the right direction. The park in which Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore had awoken in was unusually empty. It was warm and sunny out with only a few random clouds in the sky and yet despite the nice weather there was nobody in the park as far as Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore could see. In fact the current lack of people seemed to stretch beyond just the park, the sidewalks were empty and the only cars to be seen were parked on the side of the road or carelessly abandon in the middle of the street. Something was most certainly amiss in this place but Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore had no idea what it could be. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore then heard a buzzing sound. Looking around he realized that one of the large masses floating up in the sky he had at first thought was a cloud was actually a massive swarm of angry looking tsetse flies. This swarm of flies was quickly approaching which is probably why the citizens of this town had fled. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore was about to leave in a panic as well when suddenly remembered that he was a tsetse Fly Stunt Cow 2 National monument and thus he would be safe from the angry fly mob. This realization was quickly surpassed by another more startling realization, in his current state the fly mob may not see him as another fly but rather as a cow or a mountain, neither of which would afford him much protection against the coming mob. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore thought about hiding from the coming mob but his current personality was too big to effectively hide anywhere. Thus he stood his ground hoping to the mob would not spot him.

Chapter 52 - cAPS lOCK

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

*The Candy Store is located in an extra-dimensional space (to save on rent) and thus The Candy Store worker is not currently in the town.

Cobbler’s plan to unleash garbage to distract the fly mob was coming together nicely. All he still had to do was obtain a large pile of intriguing trash, find a place to stow it and then create a triggering mechanism to dump it at the exact right time. While there place he was currently in was full of all sorts of interesting piles of debris and rubble Cobbler wanted to find some garbage that was truly amazing to ensure that the angry fly mob would be entirely distracted by it. Thus Cobbler set out towards a nearby ordinary city hoping to find some extraordinary garbage. Upon arrival in the city, Cobbler started to amass trash. He started with the dumpsters and then started with the random litter on the street (of which there was plenty, especially as he considered an abandon car to be litter). Cobbler has quickly gathered more trash than he could carry so he started to pile it up in the park, as the area was mostly empty except for a large mountainous statue of some giant heads and a cow fly thing. Cobbler continued to work in peace, the city was empty except for a single person in the park who seemed too preoccupied eating to notice the trash building up around him.

Chapter 48 - Ned the Salesman

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore rolled into the nearby town in search of an identity protection agency. Much to the despair of Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore the town he had entered currently had a surplus of tourists and a dearth of anything remarkable or interesting to wait in line to take pictures of. Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore was soon overwhelmed with hoards of people all wanting to see the amazing fly turned stunt cow national monument. The large crowd lined up to see the national monument further reinforced that identity and Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore became more and more like Mount Rushmore and less and less like that of an ordinary giant radioactive tsetse fly. Just little before it seemed completely hopeless he was grabbed by a strange looking shadowy figure hidden in an even more shadowy and strange looking shape. The strange occurrence of happenstance was confusing enough to deter the tourist who didn’t want to think to hard about what was actually going on, but for Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore it proved to be jarring enough to render him completely unconscious.

Chapter 47 - The Arrival

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Aaron’s secret plan had successfully succeeded in substituting the security of the snack tunnel with stuff that has surfaced form the sections of the snack mines sub-terrariumly stationed. The seemingly sizable salary was sufficiently splendid to support the sentient snacks decision to stay as a sentry. Aaron was certain he could skedaddle and continue his scheme to sneak away from his service of securing the section of the snack tunnel. With swift scurries and subtle sneaking Aaron succeeded in slipping away without so much as a squeak. Soon he would surface and start new stuff stuffed full of shiny new schemes.

Chapter 46 - Very Lost

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Cobbler’s attempt to find the city under attack by the angry mob of flies was proving to be harder that originally thought. He had foolishly assumed that a massive mob of giant radioactive tsetse flies attacking a city would be visible from a distance but that is where Cobbler showed his exceptional ability to fail at simple tasks, for he still had a giant blue afro on his head but due to the sudden change in the barometric pressure it had started to droop and was obscuring the top half of his vision. Cobbler was completely unaware of this development as he mistakenly assumed the blue hair he saw was blue sky and thus continued to be unaware of his reduced field of view. Despite the circumstances Cobbler could not help but feel happy due to the unusually bright and blue sky stretching out before him as far his eyes could see. Cobbler became so overwhelmed with the beautiful weather that he stopped for a short rest in a nice meadow to lie down and look up at the sky. Upon landing and looking up Joe’s hair no longer obscured the whole sky and Cobbler was able to see the actual sky which was much darker and more dreary than he had been lead to believe. This sudden change in weather startled Cobbler so much it re-fluffed the blue afro and thus ceased to hinder the view of the rest of the sky, which further startled Cobbler and caused enough afro fluffing to make Cobbler top heavy and fall down. Thus once again Cobbler proved he was most certainly adept at failing in the most spectacular ways.

Chapter 45 - Lost

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Joe mistakenly thinks del means and

Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore awoke to find himself much larger and more rocky than before. As he looked around he slowly realized what had happened, he had been given the identity of a mountain which was causing him to start to become the mountain. This was rather strange as when the identity of Stunt Cow 2 had been thrust upon him he felt no more cowish or stunty than usual. Despite the previous experience Florg Stunt Cow 2Mount Rushmore was most certainly starting to feel different, which would become a mountainous problem if not remedied soon. While this identity was only being temporarily assigned to Florg Stunt Cow 2 Mount Rushmore it was so large and overpowering that he feared it would crush and destroy the rest of his identity before it was gone. He would have to find an identity protection agency to help him before it was too late, lest he be stuck as a giant landmark for the rest of his life (which would probably dramatically increase due to the slower rate that rock erodes at).

Chapter 44 - Road Trip

Mon, 06 Dec 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Deep in the chip mines Aaron’s plan was coming together. All the supplies were gathered he just now had to wait. As soon as the next hideous snack came up this tunnel Aaron would offer it a rather generous sounding compensation to take his place as a guard from the snacks below. Little would the creature know that in reality the compensation was much less than you could get at other jobs with similar levels of skill requirements and personal safety hazards. With the task of guarding the tunnel taken care of by the relatively low paid snack, Aaron would be free to take his stash of chips and leave the chip mines in search of a more exciting and healthy endeavor.

Chapter 43 - No Flowers

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Long ago there was a botanist names Leafs whose main focus was the study of flowers. Through the study of flowers Leafs found ways to cure disease, make stronger materials, and even produce vast amounts of power. Leafs became convinced that flowers were the key to solving all problems, which was continually proved with each new discovery. For awhile things were great, flowers were being used in almost everything to make thing better, stronger and longer lasting. Sadly this grand utopia built upon the flowers was destined to fall, for one fateful day Leafs was hungry. This posed a problem as it was in the mists of an exciting experiment and having to stop to go prepare food would be rather troublesome. Thus Leafs solved the problem like any other, with flowers. Obviously the most efficient solution would be to create a flower that could make food, that way Leafs wouldn’t have to spend time on the non productive task of food preparation. The flower chef was a success and soon Leafs realized that flowers could be created to do other time consuming tasks. Soon there was a garden full of flowers to do various chores around the house, from laundry to sweeping and even mowing the lawn. At first things went well, the flowers contently did the tasks they had been grown to do and the botanist was able to spend more time working. However Leafs soon started to make flowers to assist in the greenhouse, to help grow better plants. Sadly they were too successful in this endeavor, the flowers helped to grow big and strong flowers, which in turn helped to grow bigger and stronger flowers, which helped to grow the biggest and strongest flowers. These superlative flowers quickly decided that doing gardening work was beneath them and that they should be held in higher regards. Leafs attempted to stop the out of control flowers with some weed killer but it proved to be ineffective on the malevolent flowers. When the flowers discovered that flowers were being grown just to be made into various products they were furious. The flowers went on a rampage and took over the nearby town, burning down the flower processing plant and forcing the local inhabitants to tend the gardens to grow more flowers. The flower army grew in size and number, they branched out and took over more towns forcing more people to work in the gardens. The flower overlords were unstoppable, their empire continued to grow destroying anything that got in their way. Then as suddenly as their reign of oppression had started it stopped, the first frost of the winter came and most of the flowers died. The ones that managed to survive by hiding in a greenhouse were weakened by the reduced sunlight and were easily defeated by their enslaved gardeners. Civilization slowly recovered from the rule of the flowers. People rebuilt buildings and paved over the gardens trying to block out the unpleasant memories of what had transpired. However they knew they must not forget lest the flowers be grown and allowed to rise to power again and thus they put “No Flowers” on every sign to serve as a reminder and protect future generations.

Chapter 42 - The Answer:

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*In reality the swatter costs $19.85 and was only stocked at the store located rather far away.

Cobbler landed in the next city only to discover he was too late, the entire city was completely gone. The destruction was so thorough that there weren’t even any signs that there had even been a town in this location. Cobbler had failed to stop the angry fly mob even though he set out with the intentions of helping them as to stop them when he failed. Suddenly it occurred to him, he was in the wrong location, the city had yet to be destroyed and thus he hadn’t failed to fail yet, he had just plain failed to do what he set out to do. If he was quick enough he could hopefully get to the correct location and correct this failure which would mean he would have to fail some other way which would hopefully mean failure to destroy the city. With renewed hope and loss of meaning for the word fail, Cobbler flew off towards the distant mob of flies.

Chapter 41 - Magenta Pudding

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*a minute (pronounced my-newt) is a metric unit of time, there are 1,000 minutes in a day

Florg Stunt Cow 2 arrived at the identity adoption center, a dreary place that collected discarded and unwanted identities that had been abandoned or lost by their owners. Upon walking in Florg Stunt Cow 2 was greeted by a person who looked like multiple people. “Hello sir, welcome to the identity adoption center. I will be with you just as soon as I file these new arrivals.” At this the clerk opened up some file cabinets and rummaged around. As time passed the clerk started to look like a smaller and smaller crowd until the clerk closed the drawers and turned back to Florg Stunt Cow 2 now looking like just one person. “Sorry about that, someone just abandoned a pile of identities and they had to be safely filed away lest someone steals them. Identity theft is a major problem out here. Now then how can I help you?” “I came here to adopt an identity, my current one has been corrupted made much much better. What I mean is my current identity has gotten replaced with a much less more favorable one. I mean I need one to replace this terrible one for a costume party” “Well you should know that adopting an identity requires lots of work most people don’t realize how much extra work it can be. However I think we have just what you need, we just got an identity in last week that won’t have a permanent home until next week, you can take it and try it out to see what it’s like and if you still think you can handle the extra responsibility then we can work out a permanent solution. Plus this is a great identity to have for a costume party, everyone will recognize the new you!” The clerk walked into the back room and shortly afterwards a mountainous thing looking vaguely like the clerk rumbled in. Before Florg Stunt Cow 2 could react the thing lunged out towards Florg Stunt Cow 2 knocking him out.

Chapter 40 - Travails

Mon, 08 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Despite being forced to work in an extremely dangerous tunnel deep underground against his will, Aaron was rather enthusiastically “mining” “chips”. The chip executives were unsure why Aaron was so content to be confined against his will in the dangerous chip mine but they were too busy overseeing the mine exploration projects which would hopefully result in new flavors to care about one gruntled employee. They should have been paying more attention however, for despite Aaron’s outward appearance of content forced labor he was actually plotting, plotting a way that would allow him to not only escape, but to take these most delicious snacks with him.

Chapter 39 - Obstructions

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*The list came with a bonus 15 cities if you bought the matching tote bag

Much to Cobbler’s displeasure the fly mob had successfully torched and tickled 23 cities on their “top 10 most ticklish cities*” list and were quickly moving onto the next. It seemed to Cobbler that everything he tried to stop this mob from destroying things resulted in even more destruction. Even when they listened to his pleas to stop destroying things and rebuild the city somehow ended up entirely leveled (Cobbler was still not sure how that happened). It appeared to Cobbler that he was extremely ineffective at whatever he tried and thus he decided that the surest way to stop the fly mob’s destructive rampage would be to attempt to assist it as much as possible. Cobbler grabbed a feather and flew off towards the next city ready to tickle and pillage in hopes of bringing peace back to the land.

Chapter 38 - Troubles

Mon, 25 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Florg Stunt Cow 2 was greatly saddened happy. His quest to fix his name make a cake had led him to Fred, but Fred did nothing but leave for another dimension and accidently took Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind with him. This quest seemed hopeless, he now had no idea where he could find someone to aid him. It seemed he would be forever trapped with a name that is broken awesome. As Florg Stunt Cow 2 flew back home depressed excited about his failure soon to be made cake he was struck with a thought. He could get a new name, granted it wouldn’t be as nice as Florg Stunt Cow 2 but it would most certainly be better than Stunt Cow 2 Florg. Florg Stunt Cow 2 quickly changed directions to fly to the nearest identity shelter to adopt a new identity.

Chapter 37 - Barriers

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The chip mines were a desolate place. The tunnels were poorly lit, the floors were full of holes and sharp protrusions waiting to trip people and the air was thick with the orange dust of the nacho cheese flavoring. The miners hack fervently at the walls trying to break off chunks of raw chip in order to meet their daily chip quota. If they failed to mine enough chip they would be sent to work in the deeper tunnels where there were more unstable flavors. Those chips had to be mined with great care lest the chips explode in a blast of extreme flavor. The last of such explosions completely burned out the taste buds of 5 miners and 26 more had to undergo months of taste bud rehabilitation. Even deeper in the mines was Aaron (of course that Aaron!) who was assigned in the deepest part of the mines to use his “unique” “talents” to “mine” “chips”. Despite Aaron’s “legitimate” “job” “description” he was actually conducting a far more different task. He had been sent to the very deepest possible point in the mine, down to the tunnel that led straight to the molten snack center of the earth. He was stationed there to ensure that nobody ventured down this dangerous tunnel, and more importantly that nothing form the dangerous tunnel ventured up to the surface. This rather dangerous tunnel had not been sealed as it was located near an vein of extremely popular flavor of chip and the could not risk potential destruction of the delicate chips. Thus Aaron was stationed as a sentry, protecting the mines and the world from the dangerous snacks that lurked below.

Chapter 36 - Difficulties

Mon, 04 Oct 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The angry fly mob caused massive amounts of destruction with their caffeine induced energy. As the caffeine wore off their destruction became less and less until the completely crashed and ended up doing so little destruction that they were actually rebuilding a section of the city. This further angered the flies as they were very tired for rebuilding a city was hard work, making them more tired, which resulted in more rebuilding. This anger gave them renewed energy and thus allowing them ton continue their destruction. But destroying things made their anger fade and they once again became tired and constructive, which led them to become energized with rage once again. This cycle continued with a group of flies putting in a wall only have another knock it out and then switch places. Cobbler flew to the mob (Cobbler was late as he had waited for his coffee to cool off, being unusually temperature sensitive for a giant indestructible radioactive tsetse fly), unaware of this new development and once more tried to convince the mob to stop destroying the city. Cobbler gave an impassioned plea urging the mob to stop the destruction and help rebuild to make amends. To Cobbler’s great surprise the flies were very receptive to his plans as they were tired of this oscillations between destroying, rebuilding, un-building and non-destroying, and hoped this may work. The mob of flies went to work re-building the destroyed parts of the city, however as they were so tired, so little re-building of the city took place that the rest of it was leveled in a matter of minutes. The mob in high spirits that their plan worked flew away to the next city on their list leaving Cobbler behind, utterly bewildered as to what just occurred.

Chapter 35 - Problems

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*An Oar is a unit of metric time, there are 10 Oars in a day **A third is a metric unit of time. There are 100 thirds in a minute.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 arrived at the store of Fred and was immediately greeted by the existence of Fred’s pet pet. “Salutations how does this day find you? hollow hoe oar eww?” screamed the pet pet’s existence as it ran from the room, leaving Fred’s pet pet behind to wallow in its lack of existence. With the pet pet no longer possessing existence Florg Stunt Cow 2 tried speak but was still prevented by the pet pet who to spite the existence was still there. Fortunately it was Florg Stunt Cow 2’s lucky day as Fred burst into the room from below via the skylight in the ceiling to make his pet pet clean up the mess his entrance had made. “Thank you kind sir for removing your pet pet. I must say I have seen many pets in the wild or zoos but I have never seen someone keep a pet as a pet, its mere presence was quite there.” Florg Stunt Cow 2 regained his composure and blurted out “You must help me fix my name make a cake. I can’t take much more of this correction betterment of my speech!” “I would help you however I am greatly confused, as my speech is usually wrong and thus obviously has no correction applied to it. Now I must ask you to leave if you are going to buy anything, this spot is for non customers only.” “But you must be able to help me, the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers said that the person who was a thing was called Fred and that he would be able to help me.” begged Florg Stunt Cow 2. “I’m sorry but you must be mistaken, beggers can’t be choosers and you chose to come here thus you must not be begging now. As for you being a thing that is most certainly absurd, anyone can see that you are more likely to be an adjective and not a noun. And now if you will excused you I must now leave to another dimension for a few oars*, avast!” at this Fred chucked Florg Stunt Cow 2 out of his shop as the store promptly vanished leaving behind nothing but what had been there before. Florg Stunt Cow 2 would have been bewildered by what had just taken place, however in his hurried exit he had left his mind behind, and now in its new dimension it was a few time zones behind. Fortunately due to some quick thinking Florg Stunt Cow 2’s mind was able to get back to his body in a matter of thirds**.

Appendix δ - Really big city insurance

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Despite really big city’s terrible store management they offer excellent insurance at affordable rates, buy yours today! Really big city insurance covers you against all disasters to befall you except for: Destruction by exploding cabbages flung by vision impaired radioactive tsetse flies*

Chapter 34 - The Quest Resumes

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*It most certainly could not be a sign as it did not forbid flowers

The man with a trench coat covering all but his ears watched from afar as Joe left the coffee shoppe. He was concerned that all Joe had done so far was to aid the flies with valuable coffee saving coupons and he had done nothing to stop them. The man in the trench coat called over his minions “I fear Joe is failing at succeeding much as you succeeded to fail. If he manages to keep succeeding he most certainly will fail as that seems to be what he thinks is success. We must find a way to make Joe fail at failing thus leading to him succeeding at what must be done. We need someone that will make Joe fear failure, someone who succeeded at scaring Joe. We need Aaron! (yes that Aaron)” The minions of the trench coat man set out to the chip mines to rescue the Aaron that had been most certainly imprisoned in a place that might probably be there.

Chapter 33 - Coffee Break

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Free z’s only available for purchases of double mega ultra small sizes or longer. **75% applies to the contents not the price

The angry fly mob, having sufficiently torched and tickled the buildings and people inhabiting the city, were in need of energy and thus went to one of the few remaining buildings, the local coffee shoppe*. Upon entry the flies were enraged to see that the lines were separated into a “real people and other non-tsetse flies only” line and a “dirt, garbage and perhaps tsetse flies, we guess, if we have to” line. The flies became even more angry to find their line actually lead to the exit. Surprisingly they were mostly okay to see that the tsetse fly seating area was actually just a trash receptacle with a sign saying “place trash and tsetse flies here” (this was mostly due to the flies liking to say word receptacle.) The mob was about ready to storm out and file a complaint with the better business burro, the business accountability donkey when suddenly the manager, who was desperate for customers of any kind, including tsetse flies, leaped out from behind the counter with some 75% off coupons** and begged them to stay (at least long enough to pay some money and hopefully short enough forget to pick up their orders). The fly mob could not be deterred by the man’s impassioned plea but the prospects of getting 75% off their order intrigued them so they decided to stay. Soon the flies were full of coffee and free of those cumbersome loot bags, bursting with sugar induced energy and caffeine caused jitters, ready to go forth and continue with the tickilling and torching of the land.

Chapter 32 - The First Step

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Actual patron’s number may vary, results not typical, ask your store owner if being a millionth customer is right for you, some assembly required.

Florg Stunt Cow 2 hurriedly set out to find the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers to ask it how to fix his name. Because he was pressed for time Florg Stunt Cow 2 started looking for the ball in the last place he looked, as one always finds things in the last place you look. Thus he quickly found it and proceeded to ask it the question of how to get his name fixed. Sadly the answer was most certainly mostly useless: “To fix your name you must find the man who was a thing”. Florg Stunt Cow 2 couldn’t understand what the answer even was trying to say, it just left more questions. How could a thing become a person? How would they be able to help? Things can’t do things. Why wasn’t that last one a question? Florg Stunt Cow 2 needed more help, and despite the strict “one vague answer per customer” policy Florg Stunt Cow 2 decided to ask “what is the name of the man who was a thing?” Surprisingly the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers responded with “There is one who calls him Fred”. Florg Stunt Cow 2 was surprised that there was an answer and that it seemed straight forward and rather helpful. Florg Stunt Cow 2 knew someone with a name that is probably Fred and thus he went off to find him, eager to get his name fixed a sandwich.

Chapter 31 - Joe Takes the Quest

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Atomic number 280, despite it’s high number it is usually stable unless startled and then it will decay into other smaller emotions.

Having foolishly pressed the stop button on The Remote Of The Universe Joe shoved it into his pocket and continued on, completely unaware that he had in fact stopped the universe. Joe’s mind was occupied elsewhere, he was thinking about getting back home and how great and grand a non insane messed up world would be, one where you could tell a bad joke without threat of losing your status as a proper noun. As Joe wandered out of the lane that led to the passage that went to the alley with the man in a trench coat covering all but his ears he was suddenly struck with a thought, and then an idea. Soon Joe was being attacked by a wide variety of mental facilities, from impressions to feelings to deja vous. He turned and ran from these new unknown assailants only to fall into a massive plothole in the middle of the poorly maintained story sidewalk. Luckily for Joe, the holes were plentiful and deep enough to deter the attackers, as looking in all the holes for Joe would involve too much supervision for a neighborhood like this to handle. The assailants gathered the rest of their thoughts and trudged back to the lane that led to the passage that went to the alley where the man with a trench coat covering all but his ears was. He would not be happy to hear that their mission to plant an idea in Joe’s head had been unsuccessful. Fortunately for them Joe had not seen any of them and thus they would have the element of surprise* should they be sent to attack again. “You shall do no such thing!” cried the man in the trench coat “Your failure only confirms that you fail! You are no longer succeeding at succeeding but rather have failed to succeed yet succeeded to fail! I no longer think succeed is a real word and thus you will be doomed to fail, and thus I shall not send you out on another mission. Instead I will employ a more cunning plan, one that is sure to trick Joe into doing what must be done by the man known as Joe.” At this the man pulled out a small object that looked like the combination of a trinket with a MacGuffin and a bauble with a little bit of doodad thrown in. “This is a quest, a device that will carry its owner along a series of improbable and difficult tasks until the final goal is accomplished. As soon as Joe takes this quest he will be whisked along in my plot to remove the flies and allow me to take over the universe for myself!” At this the man threw the quest into the air towards the last known location of Joe. Meanwhile Joe had been far too pre-occupied with getting out of the massive pothole to eavesdrop on the diabolical plotting. The hole he had hidden in had happened to be huge, so humongous that it had a hoard of H’s hovering around. Joe hopped up and harvested handfuls of H’s and heaped them high. He leaped heavenward and with the help of the hill of H’s he landed without harm outside the hole. Now that Joe was free of the alliterative clutches of that pothole he could return on his mission to get home. Joe immediately set out in the one direction he was sure wasn’t home (Joe had learned that in a place like the back side of the page his first try would fail) and thus after he fought his way out of the pothole once again he was now ready to continue home, but before he could start something shiny caught his eye. It looked like a small knickknack crossed with a thingamajig with a little widget mixed in. This strange object had an unusual draw for Joe and he felt compelled to take it with him, after all it isn’t every day that you find an object that is so specifically vague. After acquiring the object Joe felt suddenly confused. He still wanted to get home, but for some reason he was suddenly sure that the only way to do such a thing would be to venture towards what looked like a city that had recently been set fire to. Joe was perplexed about this sudden turn in thought, although after thinking about it, it did seem odd for such a sudden and strong idea to suddenly jump into his head the moment he picked up that bizarre object. However Joe felt he must follow his gut on this matter and seeing as his gut and a few other internal organs had already started out towards the smoldering remains of the city Joe rushed to catch up.

Appendix ε - The Tsetse fly history tapestry:

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*The non-green parts are the frame for the tapestry, not actual tapestry

(The Flies only had green thread to work with after all*)

Chapter 30 - More Knitting

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*See Appendix ε to see the finished tapestry

Now that that strange stunt cow 2 had gone and taken most of his repeated words the rest of the generically named flies were free to finish their tapestry of fly history*. Fly Knitter 1 created the first part, showing the days before the flies were radioactive. There were images of flies lazily buzzing about, flies landing in coffee mugs for a swim subsequently followed by flies flying about wildly, flies tickling people with their little wings and then trying to avoid the inevitable fly swatter assault. Fly Weaver 3 took on the task of showing the series of events that lead to the flies becoming radioactive. It showed the squirrel Chernobyl who graciously shared his radioactivity to the flies making them bigger, stronger, and more glow-in-the-dark than ever thought possible. This then transitioned into flies discovering themselves to be indestructible which lead to them discovering a great pickle recipe. The chronicles of the pickle manufacturing empire rise and fall was done by Fly Baker 56 who had been conscripted into helping. The next section of the tapestry contained images depicting flies rediscovering the power of the tickle and their plans for taking over the world. The bottom of the tapestry was reserved for the flies final conquest and rule of the universe and at the very bottom it clearly stated that the flies were done with the following:

Chapter 29 - The End is Near

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The tsetse flies grew bored. They hadn’t had any ineffective hero’s come by for a visit in many weeks, and their diversionary research into tickilling had been finished resulting in nothing for them to do to occupy their time. The only thing they could think of doing was knitting themselves socks to be used in sock ball fights, but they were down to the last ball of yarn and it was a most undesirable color of green. As the flies milled about idly throwing sock balls at each other one of them came up with a great idea to ward off the boredom, they would use their last ball of yarn to knit a massive tapestry (it was a rather large ball) detailing the grand and majestic history of the giant radioactive tsetse flies, from their initial exposure to their subsequent oppression and hardships at the hand of the paranoid populous and the lack of retribution of such actions. “Wait a second!” cried an angry fly, throwing down his knitting needles. “The flies have been oppressed too much! We must take a stand against this great injustice!” “But what can we do?” responded another fly “we don’t even have names. If we were in a movie we would be listed at the end of the credits as Angry Fly 1 and Stunt Cow 2” “Moooo!” retorted Angry Fly 1 “Just because my name sounds like a generic title doesn’t mean it is, I just happened to have a generic sounding name, in fact I think it’s..” “Wait a second!” interrupted a rather annoyed Stunt Cow 2 “My name isn’t Stunt Cow 2, how come you get called by your real (albeit fake sounding) name and I get this terribly dumb fake one. My actual name is Florg Stunt Cow 2, not stunt cow 2, HEY!” at this Florg Stunt Cow 2 got rather annoyed at the editing correction of his speaking and decided to find the one responsible so he could make them pay brownies. Unfortunately Stunt Cow 2 had no idea where to look ingredients and thus would have to consult the magic 8-ball of correct-but-mostly-useless-answers go to the store. And thus with the decision apparently made stunt cow 2 set down his knitting needles and went off to fix his name the store.

Chapter 28 - Impending Doom

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*not to be confused with a Ted the unit of work. **Stabbing is the fundamental cause of harm, all other sources of injury or death are a subset of stabbing.

With the search for a hero over it was just a matter of time until the entire world was destroyed. The tsetse flies had no one to stand in their way, and it would only be a matter of time before they decided they were not content to just tickle people to death! (or a really bad side ache) but that they wanted to rule the universe! (or the local neighborhood). With no constant stream of hero’s distracting them with cabbage and colors the flies would soon realize their immense power, being indestructible and all that, and use it to their advantage (as opposed to how they currently used it to their amusement). A full on war with the flies would result in devastating casualties. The flies had perfected the art of tickling people to death! (or a really bad side ache) which they called tickilling, which despite the name could not actually be used to cause the demise of a tick due to their incredibly surly nature. Mankind had spent literally a few hours trying to devise a way to defend against the tickill but to no avail, man would be powerless to stop the flies when they attacked. Meanwhile in an entirely different location in both space and time, a Ted* was preparing his dinner. It was a simple meal, a little bit of chicken with a small roll and an assortment of steamed vegetables. However, despite it’s benign appearances the meal was hiding something devious, the vegetables contained a unusually high amount of cabbage, cabbage that happened to be very explosive. Unknowingly eating explosive vegetables carried the risk of tooth damage and exploding stomach syndrome. Elsewhere more trouble was brewing. A large abandon warehouse was slowly filling with water. The sprinkler system had sprung a leak and started gushing water into the rooms. This warehouse had been used to store hazardous materials and thus was fairly well sealed, giving the water no place to go but up, and up it rose. As the water level increased the stress on the wall grew. Soon the force would be too much and the walls would give way sending a devastating wall of water through the city, washing it all out to sea leaving naught but soggy ruins in its wake. In yet another poorly maintained and unsupervised part of town a man in a trench coat covering all but his ears had just acquired a lucky piece of oxygen. This was the final ingredient in his nefarious plot which would soon go into motion, which when completed would make him entirely immune to stabbing, and thus by extension invulnerable and immortal*. This power would be used gain complete control of the Universe (and the candy store) which he would then sell for massive profits only to repeat the process all over again. The constant cycle of new management and hostile takeovers would surely cause too much strain and the Universe (and the candy store) would implode. Despite the dangers the man planned to continue with the plan he had planned, as he had planned into the plan a plan for what to do if the plan did not go as planned. With all that planning behind him the man set out to carry out his nefarious scheme.

Chapter 27 - The Search is Over

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) was distraught, all the heroes so far had not only failed to stop the plague of tickle happy tsetse flies, but they also failed to increase sales at the candy store. The scourge of the flies had forced people into hiding, only to come out when in desperate need of supplies and despite their sugary flavor and great taste the treats at the candy store were not in high demand. It had gotten so bad that The Universe (and the candy store) was out of money in their budget to further fund the search for another hero to save The Universe (and the candy store). In fact money was tight all around, the only place with any spare cash was the well funded retirement account for The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner), a source most unacceptable. News of the ended search spread like butter over bread, and after people sufficiently de-greased themselves they all responded with the same reaction, apathy. At least that’s the reaction averaged from the few people surveyed and extrapolated out. In retrospect it would have been better to survey more than 3 people and a chair and they should have been awake at the time, but those were the people randomly selected and shaping the selection to fit the preconceived notions of how the results should look is downright unscientific. The Ruler of The Universe (and the candy store owner) used this study to convince the populous that the will of the people was in fact to not find a new hero and that anyone who disagreed was obviously in the incorrect minority that composed of only them. This stance was easy to convince people of as due to the fly oppression people rarely had a chance to talk to other people and when one has a rare opportunity to talk to someone one does not was it on a boring topic like politics. With the populous convinced there was no demand for a hero, hoards of prospective heroes desiring to rid the land of the flies trudged back to their homes to accept the fate they apparently wanted.

Chapter 26 - Failure

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Happiness cannot be bought, but long term lease options are available

Fortunately for Gorloth the door to the tsetse flies’s stronghold had dried out since the last attempt to evict the flies and thus the knocking did in fact result in an audible sound. Sadly today was acoustic burger night and thus the flies heard the knock but thought it was coming from the basement. This resulted in a mass exodus flies to outside as they were scared of the creepy knocking sound from under them. The flies poured out of the house like ketchup from a glass bottle, which is to say not really at all until Gorloth looked right at the door, and then they surged over him like a tidal wave. “Help!” cried Gorloth, who had a wave of sea green sailor hydrophobia wash over him “I’m drowning in flies and all the aquatic words that keep surfacing!” The tsetse flies heard the cries for help and splashed over, however they were all under the influence of acoustic burgers and thus ended up randomly bobbing around the yard in search of the imperiled person. They darted back and forth, up and down but no matter where they looked they heard cries of help in a different direction. Suddenly one of the flies was struck with a brilliant plan, he started to listen where he wasn’t looking and sure enough that happened to be to source of the noise to which the fly went. “Ahoy! What ails you multicolored sir?” queried the fly as he landed atop Gorloth’s inexplicable briefcase. “Are you in need of some assistance? Perhaps you would like a fresh acoustic burger, it was made with highest quality probably foods.” Gorloth staggered to his feet, overcome by this fly’s generosity he knew he could no longer use these flies as a dumping ground for unwanted emotions. These flies were people too (for a loose definition of people) with their own feelings and emotions, using them as a way to dispose of unwanted emotions would be such a waste of these flies when they could be used as a source of desired emotions. If people were willing to pay top dollar to get rid of unwanted emotions just imagine what they would pay to be able to buy wanted emotions, such as contentment, generosity, excitement and happiness*. Gorloth quickly whipped out his proposal presentation and made the necessary modifications to convince the flies that right now was an all time high for the price of positive emotions, and that by selling now they could buy back later for a fraction of the cost thus netting them copious amounts of money that they could use to relocate themselves to a much nicer neighborhood in parallel dimension perpendicular to this one. Unfortunately all the racket of papers shuffling and presentation rehearsing sounded like and oncoming train to the acoustically impaired flies and as flies hate trains that come on they fled back into their stronghold and locked the door leaving poor Gorloth stranded outside in the waning light with only his black fear of darkness to comfort him.

Chapter 25 - A New, Better Hero is Found

Sun, 18 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

With the imprisonment of Aaron The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) was getting nervous, two heroes had failed to rid the land of the tsetse fly menace and it was soon time for annual performance reviews. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) put all available resources (except the ones for the candy store) into finding a hero that would actually save the world and not just look good for the advertisements. The new hero had to be brave, dedicated, strong and most of all have a catchy name, after all why bother getting the world saved if nobody can remember the name of the person who did the saving? Thus a catchy name committee was created to catch any characters with catchy names. Unfortunately the committee could only catch one catchyly named character before the word catchy was used enough times to render it a non-word and thus they had to go with Gorloth the Green, the mighty warrior from a place with a much less catchy name. Despite the name, Gorloth was infact Green, Green with the envy of a thousand burning suns! But Gorloth was also Blue, Blue with the sadness of hundreds of happy children, and Red, Red with the fury of tiny little tweezers. Gorloth happened to be many colors with the emotions of many people and things, for Gorloth the Green was in the business of displaced emotion. He would adopt your emotion for a nominal fee and leave you free from the burdens of having to deal with it, resulting in the betterment of everyone (except that time he bought all the Golden happiness of all his neighbors). Gorloth the Green had a simple plan to not only save the world from the tsetse fly threat but also substantially increase his business capacity. He would trick the flies into becoming partners in his business and then he could unload all the Brown laziness of beavers and Deep blue sleepiness of insomniacs onto the flies thus rendering them too tired and lethargic to continue their rein of terror. Suddenly the Mauve paranoia of cacti coupled with the Silver greed of philanthropy overcame him. What if the flies were better than he was? What if they took all his business? What if they stole his customers right out from under him and shifted full-time to their new stolen jobs, thus simultaneously ending the rein of terror and taking the credit for it while gaining a monopoly in a high demand market!? This was too much thinking for Gorloth’s puce ignorance of scientists and thus he stopped and continued on his quest. Gorloth neared the flies’s stronghold and with the yellow fear of a warrior he knocked on the door.

Chapter 24 - He fails too

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Cheesey poofs available for $58.95 wherever cheesey poofs are sold

Aaron set forth to accomplish his goal of stopping the tsetse flies nefarious acts, but first he had to develop a plan, a plan that would rid the world of the flies as well as end the suffering caused by his not very full stomach. In order to solve the latter (and possible the former) problem Aaron went forth for a quest of food. His journey took him far and wide (about 10 feet actually) until he stumbled upon an unusual structure, it was a small pyramid of sticks and other miscellaneous debris with a bright orange triangular chip balanced atop it. Immediately recognizing the chip as belonging to one of the major food groups of tasty (the others being not tasty and dirt) Aaron proceeded to abscond with the chip and commenced devouring it. “How dare you?” squealed a high pitched little voice “that chip was a sacrifice to the grand chip, the sender of all things that crunch and turn one’s fingers orange!” “Egads!” cried Aaron “your poorly developed religious view and ill-mannered retort have left me sounding much more eloquent and well spoken than I am usually portrayed!” Aaron decided that he had had enough of this bizarre persona being thrust upon him and proceeded to kidney “punch” the small Dorito altar into an even more disorganized pile of rubble and the “kidney” punched the small chip worshiper’s most vulnerable spot, his bag of sacrificial snack chips. “Aaahh!” screamed the chipist “those chips still had two weeks before the ‘sacrifice for best freshness’ date! You have made a foolish mistake today, for you have incurred the wrath of the most powerful snack food industry” at this he pulled out his automatic snack summoner and pressed the button.

Chapter 23 - A new hero rises

Wed, 07 Jul 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The chosen hero couldn’t come to save the universe because he was busy laundering his cat. He did however send in a nice exploding cabbage “fruit” basket in apology. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) has the basket carefully carried in (lest it inadvertently explode). As it was being carried in it started to violently shake, threatening to explode. Everyone braced themselves for the inevitable explosion but instead of a large “BOOM!” a small “hee hee, ho hoo hap!” was heard as Aaron (yes that Aaron) popped out of the basket and “kidney” punched on of the carriers in the chest and tripped the other with a well placed “kidney” punch to his leg. “Halt!” commanded The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) “Under normal circumstances you would be imprisoned for cabbage impersonation, however your impressive display has impressed the impression that you would be a suitable replacement for the hero, what is your name potential hero?” “Me Tarzan! Yo fat!” cried Aaron holding aloft a strange head shaped blob of clay impaled upon a stick. “Although not wise to insult The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) your dedication is impressive, go forth and stop the menace of the flies!”

Chapter 22 - A search begins

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Project exploding cabbage was a complete failure, even sales of excess exploding cabbage “fruit” baskets had slowed to a standstill and the tickling of the flies was as strong as ever. The ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) needed to find a new hero to save the world (and boost sales at the candy store) and thus the candy store (and it’s owner) ran a contest to select the next to take the task of saving the world from the flies (and sell more candy). Prospective heroes from the farthest reaches of the universe were brought in (actually the search only went out 30 feet in each direction) to compete in an epic show of heroic feats such as the jaw crusher competition (who can eat the most jawbreakers), the trial of decay (who has the least cavities after eating a bunch of candy) and the test of strength (who can carry the most candy). Sadly all the contestants succumbed to the stresses and rigors of the trials (they didn’t buy enough candy). The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) devised a new better contest, one so great and so sure of succeeding that it was guaranteed to get the job done (or it costs double). A massive board was brought in containing the names of anyone deemed suitable to be the next hero (the main requirement was that their names were easy to spell). To select from the wide array of well qualified potential heroes a sophisticated selection device was brought in. The device was a small cylinder with a sharp point on one end and fin-like projections on the other end. In the layman’s eye it may have appeared to be a dart but it was obviously as much more complex device. The “dart” was launched with high velocity, utilizing its unique aerodynamic properties it homed in on the best hero contained on the board (or at least that is what its box claimed). The device struck the board landing right in the middle of one of the hero’s name. The Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) sent to bring in the chosen hero.

Chapter 21 - The Hero Fails

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The plan devised by the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) was set into action. The cabbages were grown in a secret facility three houses down fro m the flies stronghold (while the facility would be more secretive in a more remote location tsetse flies are notorious for being unobservant and close proximity greatly reduces the transportation costs) meanwhile a team of top scientists were devising a device to place the cabbages in that would look like a fruit basket to the untrained eye (while fruit baskets were available for comparison purposes they could not be used in the final design as it is a fruit basket and cabbages are not fruits) Despite minor setbacks the project was progressing well, until disaster struck, due to rising cost of ingredients the tsetse flies stopped having optic soup except on special holidays. The plan seemed destined for failure until the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) devised an even more brilliant plan than originally devised: the Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) could declare next Snerzo to be “Tsetse fly appreciation day (not a diabolical plot to evict the flies from this universe)”. Due to the flies’ generally trusting nature (and inability to read parenthetical statements) they would suspect nothing. With this new amended plan the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker)prepared for “Tsetse fly appreciation day”. The basket was created and carefully filled with nitroglycerin cabbages and then cleverly disguised as a fruit basket by placing a rotting banana peel on top. The Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) took the “fruit” basket to the door of the flies’ stronghold and rand the door bell. Ding-Dong Splat! The door fell open like a wet sponge and a tsetse fly wandered into the doorway. “Ahoit!” greeted the fly “Are you interested in buying this fine encyclopedia set? It’s made of 110% chocolate and in the shape of a vacuum cleaner, every dollar you spend profits us two!” “Uh” stammered the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) “How about you take this delicious looking fruit basket instead of trying to sell such silly stuff?” “But today is ‘tsetse fly appreciation day’ how could giving us free first be an act of appreciation? It seems more like some sort of diabolical plot to ruin us!” “Uh this can’t be a diabolical plot because this fruit basket is 100% non-cabbage, just look at the label” said the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) pointing out the “No cabbage guarantee or the food fights on us” tag. “Well if it’s on a tag it must be true” conceded the fly as he reached for the basket, unfortunately his recent intake of optic soup had left him with such impaired vision that when he attempted to pick up the basket he instead grabbed a fistful of leaves form the nearby bush, thanked the basket and slammed the soggy door with enough force to cause the “fruit” basket to explode. The resulting explosion knocked the Hero of the Universe (and the candy store worker) unconscious resulting in missing 5 shifts at the candy store which the Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner) declared to be not good enough thus the world was not saved.

Chapter 20 - The merger (with the candy store owner)

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The creation of the giant radioactive tsetse flies and the recent slew of typos spoke to the current disarray of the universe. Even the communist force of gravity had not been resisted. The poor management of the universe seemed to have a negative impact on all aspects of life. The speed of light had fallen 5.8% in this quarter alone, the kilogram has dropped to just under 930 grams, the lowest point in 40 years (65 if adjusting for the inflation of time, which has been quite rampant recently) , and the universal mass deficit is at an all time high. All industries had felt the effects of this universal chaos, except for one that is. The candy store (and its owner) had not only experienced no ill effects but were actually doing so well they were looking to expand and branch out into new fields, however the candy store (and its owner) were doing so well and the rest of the universe’s economy was in such disarray that everything else seemed small and insignificant in comparison. The revenues from the candy store (and its owner) were so vast that the entire universe could be purchased, and that is precisely what was done. The economy swiftly recovered thanks to the expert management from the new Ruler of the Universe (and the candy store owner). Constants across the board were up to all time highs, typos had been eliminated in all but the most remote areas. The only issue that still remained was the scourge of the radioactive tsetse flies, but there was a plan in place, a grand Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) had been found to rid the land of the menace of the flies. The Hero of the Universe’s (and candy store worker’s) plan was a simple one; a special crop of cabbages would be grow, ones watered with not water but nitroglycerin, resulting in a very explosive vegetable. The modified cabbages would then be delivered in a fancy fruit basket to the flies’ stronghold on optic soup night. Upon seeing the massive fruit basket the flies would assume it to contain fruit and would thus save it for after their main course, upon finishing their meal the basket would be opened , and upon seeing cabbage and not fruit only one logical things could result, a massive food fight. Normally tsetse flies have rather good aim and thus the food fight would result in exploding cabbages exploding on indestructible radioactive flies which would not accomplish anything other than minor annoyances. However the basket would be delivered on optic soup night which would result in reduced hand-eye co-ordination of the flies, thus the cabbages would end up hitting everything but the invulnerable flies. Thus the food fight would result in the total destruction of the flies stronghold and because the flies’ insurance does not cover “destruction by exploding cabbages*” the flies would be forced to relocate to another universe with more affordable property and thus the universe would be saved. The only thing to stand in the way of Hero of the Universe’s (and candy store worker’s) plan was that time off from work (at the candy store) needed to be requested two weeks in advance, by the tsetse flies’ dinner menu was only posted one week in advance. No way to rectify the situation could be found, one couldn’t just shirk the responsibilities of working (at the candy store) just to save the entire universe. The plan would have to be scrapped and the tsetse flies would win. But then the Hero of the Universe (and candy store worker) had a brilliant idea: the basket of exploding cabbage could be delivered after work (at the candy store).

Appendix γ - Non-typo version fo chapter 18

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Appendix_Gamma

Chapter 18 - A Typo (or tow)*

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*See Appendix γ for a mostly non typoed version **In reality the speech by Tim was so riddled with typos that its original meaning has been forever lost.

The mop of angry fries surrounded the tall malls of the lace. Seeing know way in but up the fries took fright and quickly landed on the Tod of the building. “Please don’t harm me” pleaded Tod “I’m only here because of some bizarre transcription error! I am completely !uuocәuti” “You chain innocence but we believe you ton!” The wrench fries proclaimed “We shall make you day!” At this door Tod exploded in a rash of light. Tod winched as he started scratching his light. “Your feeble attempts to bash me will only end in you sailing!” “That is what you thank!” Retorted the lead fry, “Your gracious attitude will end in room!” At this the fries tried to board their fail boats but it only resulted in sailing. The fries attempts to invade Tod were being thwarted by the intermittent typing mirrors. The mirrors made quite a daunting light, not as light as the rash of Tod, but right enough to offend the left handed fries who rolled out their weapons with the intent of mashing the mirrors. The mirrors, however, were to quack for the fries and with their new found duck-like reflexes they voided the attacks of the fries. While the fries and mirrors were preoccupied trying to bill each other, Tod tried to sneak away without being caught in the accounting nightmare. Sadly his sneaking was two loads of a noise which attracted the attention of the fries and mirrors onto Tim. “Wait!” wailed Tim “I’m a victim of the same circumstances that surrounded Tod, except that I am truly innocent of propagating the repeated typing errors. You need to help end this cycle, remember who you once were, you were not always fries but were flies until this random error struck. Continuing to spread these errors will only result in more chaos and disasters. This vicious cycle must be stopped and that starts with the last people to be affected.** “Stopping these errors is a more difficult task than you say, one never knows when they might appear, burning the simplest phase into on of the upmost befaffelment!” staided a fry “revolsting against the errors is tudder intupidy!” “Psag!” cried Tim, “The typos are becoming more sever than I ever thought possible!” “Is there sonything that can be done to pretop these errors that won’t ensult win devestruction?” “Do you not see that these errors have brought forth more destruction , more devastation, then they could ever cause if forced away. I have freed myself of such errors and I am perfractally pine!” at this Tim transploded into a typogramatical mess spluttering the ground with punctuation and unintelligent characters. “Avost!” cried dumb pirate Andy “how arrre I getting here?” “Ye fool” intruded stupid Joe the lesser of the Joes “Everyone knows pyrites ‘Avast’ and not ‘Avost’” “It wasn’t Andy’s felt” medieval Mel the maniacal non-alliterative person stated “It doth be the cloth of the typos!” “Then we doth need to shimber the tivers and buckle the swash of these vile typos, Arrrrhoy!” At this the three unintelligent characters rushed upon the typos with enough lack of knowledge to not know that there was no physical manifestation of a typo to destroy.

Chapter 18 - Spewing of the Multitudes

Mon, 31 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The angry mob of flies marched across the countryside, destroying everything in sight. Fortunately for the non fly populous, due to poor lighting conditions everything in sight consisted of a dead tree stump and one of the flies’ own houses. Such matters did no deter the angry mob, they kept on marching towards the dim glow of civilization over the hill. However when they reached the peak they discovered that the glow originated not from civilization but from their own torches being help by future versions of themselves. The flies past selves conferred with their future selves and determined the best course of action would be to send the future versions ahead while the other group waited for their past versions to arrive (this was mostly determined by the future flies shouting “we’re older, thus listen to us!”). With the minor distortion to the space time continuum cleared up the future flies continued their pillagious march down the far side of the Mound of Temporal Anomalies! becoming ever closer to fulfilling their malicious intents of revenge and desire for chocolate dipped water.* “Wait!” wailed Cobbler “Couldn’t we resolve this minor grievance without resorting to such ancient forms of barbarism?” “Whatever do you mean there Cobbler?” inquired a well aged English looking fly “We were just aboot to stop in for a spot of crickolo**” “What happened to the plot to punish the people for practically pushing use past alliterative possibilities?” “Less alliterative possibilities? Surely such a savage scenario would result in storage in synapses.” Suddenly such a realization sunk in. “The truth you doth speak, to battle henceforth!” And thus Cobbler fulfilled his destiny of restoring the tickle and ushering in an age of darkness, despair and laughter; for the second time this week! The mob continued now with renewed determinations and re-lit torches towards the actual dim glow of civilization coming from the nearest pickle-purchasing place with torches held aloft chanting various war cries such as: “Down with flooding, out with water!” “Dis-tractors are devious!” “Where’s my luggage?” And so with much enthusiasm and a little confusion the mob loomed closer and closer to the ever diminishing dimness of light. As the mob grew close they saw the flowing sign:

Chapter 17 - The Tickle Returns

Sun, 23 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Cobbler’s mind tends to regress when under stress; in this case his mind is now running in the medieval ages.

With a flash of nauseating puce, Migraine Man staggered in carrying de-toasted dog stuffed into a frosted water bottle. Once again Migraine Man had saved the day using his amazing possession of power of painful pressure present on places placed over potatoes (i.e. brains). “Greetings mere mortal flies, normal flies and the occasional immortal fly” boomed Migraine Man “I have brought back your stolen items and restored this land back to a state of peace, prosperity and putrid stench.” At this Migraine Man descended amidst the flies cheers and hoorays handing out the reclaimed spoils of the war that was not a war, but rather an armed robbery, without the arms. “However I must hasten off to my hideout, the Headache Hovel, Huzzah!.” “Who was that terribly mysterious masked fly?” Fred asked around. “Indeed, I think that Migraine Man can completely solve several persistent problems of ours!” “Foolish Fred,” Robert retorted “Migraine Man didn’t dispose of old Gooda Gustav judiciously just to torture us using his horribly pathetic-problem-solving skills! We watched how his supposed skills destroyed dozens of our favorite farms!” “Really Robert?” Fred fumed “I irrationally thought that Gooda Gustav wasn’t wasteful, uninformed, uneducated, bean-brained…” “Hey Migraine Man was trying his best!” interjected Cobbler who had mysteriously and suddenly appeared after Migraine man suddenly and mysteriously disappeared. “Migraine Man certainly could have handled things tons better, but he hardly tried” Timothy said “shouldn’t he have made modifications to that Migraine Man name? Nothing could confuse more multitudes of ordinary people.” “What are you talking about? Migraine Man’s derives his name form the same place he derives his power” Cobbler cried “Migraine sounds a lot like migration, and birds migrate and everyone knows that ‘birds of a feather flock together’ and a feather is what he uses to tickle people” “Wait!” Wally exclaimed “Everyone fully forgot how helpless everyone effectively becomes because of old-fashioned feathers! Quick we must cast of this silly speech pattern and head to the chicken coops, a feather for every fly and the world is ours!” At this Wally and the others rushed towards the farms gathering all the flies from the village forming a mob full of flies carrying torches, feathers and the occasional flaming feather. “Forsooth, alack and alas!*” Cobbler wailed “We shan’t revolt against our masters, it doth not be right, nay it doth not even be left, it doth be an affront and abomination to all mankind it doth be a disgrace for all that we stand for!” “But we are tsetse flies not men.” protested a random fly “so who cares what mankind thinks.” “Alas ‘tis true, such logic cannot be bested by word or sword. Avast let loose the feather of WAR!”

Chapter 16 - Bad Aftertastes

Mon, 17 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

While Cobbler’s village was drying out the grand overseeing council of tsetse fly met to listen to what Cobbler had discovered. The rest of the tsetse flies in the village went to work cleaning out that nasty taste of wet drywall which tasted like dry wet-wall and the dirt was all muddy. The flies developed a mixture or frozen water and melted ice that would alleviate the problems but it would wear out and the problems would return. Suddenly from over the hill came an almost familiar sound. It sounded like a tractor or two but there was a strange sound that made it hard to tell what it was. The other sound seemed to come from somewhere else, it was so distracting that nobody noticed when two tractors appeared over the horizon and rolled into the fly’s village. “Vahoy!” Cried the person on the tractor who may or may not sound like Gustav Da Gooda, “I have come to peddoole my wares and wear some poodles. I have come to show off my new and improoved tractors. Take a look at dis tractor” at this the person jumped off his normal looking tractor and pointed towards a very abnormal looking tractor, it had bells with whistles and whistles with bells all sorts of twings and deets. “Va, dis tractor is amazing it’s got big wheels, it’s got bigger wheels, it’s even got dis amazing internool comboostion engine dat makes things go ka-booma! It doth be vay better dan dat tractor over there” gesturing towards and even more no-descript tractor that looked exactly like a normal tractor, except for a diabolical looking man wearing a name tag that said “Hello my name is: not a robber”. As all the flies “ooohed” and “wowed” over the amazing automatic dog-buttering and global spiciness indicator. They were so enthralled with it’s de-flossing attachment that they didn’t notice that dat tractor was roaming around the village pillaging and pilfering everything it could reach. And the flies were certainly to preoccupied watching dis tractor and it’s self cleaning de-toaster to see dat tractor leaving with everything but the kitchen sink (being tsetse flies sanitation is not highly sought after and thus indoor plumbing is not an amenity in most every tsetse fly village house). Suddenly dis tractor exploded in a spectacular display of color, sparks and slightly flossed, toasted buttered dogs (which increased the spiciness of the world by 3). The explosion caused such dense smoke and butter that the flies couldn’t even see their houses. After the smoke cleared and the butter mostly solidified the flies realized that they couldn’t see their houses because their houses weren’t there! “Gasp” cried a fly, “they took my automatic dog flosser!” “Nooo! they got my self frosting water bottle maker!” cried another. “Not my automatic de-toasting machine” whined a third. “Have no fear!! Migraine Man is here!” boomed a voice that sounded obviously not like Cobbler. “Up up and away…ow my head!”

Chapter 15 - Flooding

Sun, 09 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*Cobbler was a member of Thy Old English Club in high school and thus able to converse in old English **Cobbler had ran out of things to say in old English but had plenty to say as a pirate ^Not available at really big city for $9π/7

The tsetse flies were saved from their inability to sleep and immediately celebrated by sleeping though the entire day of Jumpbary. Throughout the village cobbler could hear the sounds of sleeping flies, the calmed breathing, the loud snoring, and the gurgling and choking of flies drowning in the rising waters. Cobbler suddenly realized something was amiss, why were the screams and cries of flies talking in their sleep? Cobbler realized another thing, he was standing in a foot of water (the lack of sleep has made Cobbler a bit slow). Cobbler needed to warn the all the sleeping flies but how could he? They were all asleep and it would be rube for him to wake them all up just to tell them not to drown, but on the other hand it would be a bit rube to let them all die. Cobbler decided that he would consult the book of random rudeness.

Chapter 14 - The Sea Still Rises

Mon, 03 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*4 out of 5 Davids agree that French words have too many unnecessary letters. **A Ted is a unit of work approximately equal to the amount of work that Ted can do which is equal to 21.58 kJ according to Hibbeler 247

The grand overseeing council of the tsetse flies (consisting of a crazy old fly and the very wise voice in his head) can up with two plans for fixing the problem of trying to sleep with the constant Canadian that Blockflöten had directly caused, but was also indirectly caused by Cobbler, one which involved hurling him into the sea and hope that he finds his was to Canada (Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?) where he would be integrated into their society and become a contributing member of the aforementioned society in Canada, the other, being one which involved using extremely long run-on sentences, caused an extensive debate on how in the world this could actually work, as a run-on sentence dose nothing but seriously annoy the reader but usually has no effect whatsoever on the characters described in the sentence as they do not directly interact with the letters and words, let alone the sentences and them adhering to or ignoring the commonly accepted codes of grammar, however this sparked another controversy on whether there were any commonly accepted codes of grammar because, after all, different places have vastly different ideas on what makes a grammatically valid sentence, such as the difference between the tsetse flies, who insist on the presence of a subject and verb as opposed to the French who insist that for a series of words to be a sentence at least 50% of the letters must be unnecessary*, luckily the mention of French brought the topic of conversation to countries that speak French and then to Canada which got the discussion back to how to solve the previously mentioned problem of sleeping under the influence of Canada which led back to the question whether a run-on sentence could have any influence on the people described in the previously mentioned sentence, however this discussion was interrupted by some crazy fly who was somehow convinced that they were currently living in a run-on sentence and that they would cease to exist when the period came and ended the sentence, but of course this silly notion was dismissed by the flies because it was so utterly and completely nonsensical and it even made then realize that the plan to throw the Blockflöten into the ocean was also nonsensical, ridiculous, unreasonable, absurd, silly and insane but ordinary circumstances require ordinary solutions and this was no ordinary circumstance, so with out much further ado, delay or postponements (there is only a little ado left) the crazy old fly grabbed Blockflöten and threw him into the ocean accomplishing the work of .35 Teds** as the voice in his head concluded saying: “The ways of mice and flies may change like the winds but no matter what they do during the night in the morning the sea still rises.”

Chapter 13 - The Flies are Restless

Sun, 02 May 2010 00:00:00 +0000

^mice are notorious for being bad at estimation ^^In the backside of the page, the word “police” refers to the fuzz that grows when an old bagel is dipped in chicken-flavored mud. **Les langues officielles du Canada sont anglaises et françaises *Canada’s official languages are English and French** °Peter complained aboot this part, eh? °°The hair belongs to Joe, but it’s on Cobbler’s head.

“Noo! Not the afro of…” cried Cobbler but he was interrupted by a totally random guy with a giant “Hello, my name is Joe” sticker on his back who fell out of his hair and landed on him “Arg! How did I end up in the hair? That’s just disgusting; there were a bunch of lice taking advice from some nice mice that twice used a device that changed rice into ice-covered dice, Yeawk! I hate rhymes!” Joe (the random one) screamed and ran off into the distance, leaving Cobbler alone with the afro. “What’s (Squeakity) wrong with (Squeak) that guy?” asked a mouse from the afro, “He started (Squeak) yelling about (SQUEAK!!) rhymes and (Squawk?) rhymeaphobia and (Squeak) having words (Squeak) close in (Squeak) one him (Squeak) or something (Squeak) like that. (Squeak)” “Yeah, he was really (Squeak!) about the (Squeak!)” said another mouse. “Squeak, Squeaken, Squeaked, Moo!” interjected a third. “Wait a minute!” cried Cobbler, “how many mice are in this afro anyway?” “Huh, that’s a tough question, mice count everything in base 5.123 so it’s really hard to count past 5, but don’t worry I estimate that there are only about 4 mice in your hair^’ reassured the first mouse. “Well four isn’t too bad, you can stay as long as you don’t cause too much trouble.”said Cobbler said as he headed off towards his home. The path to Cobblers home was a very dangerous one, there were massive berry-flavored lava pits with vicious banana-flavored ones hidden amongst them. After the lava was the Forest of Whoa, a forest the full of talking trees saying things like, “Whoa, my moss grows in the dark” and “Whoa, that tree just talked”. After the forest is the worst thing of all, the Caverns of Confusions, which is made up of a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Normally, Cobbler would just fly over all these dangerous things and have a relatively easy trip. However, the extra weight of the afro and the estimated four mice weighed him down so much that he couldn’t get over the peak of the mountain. He strained and tried but he just wasn’t strong enough. And then, with his strength gone, he plummeted down towards the sharp rocky floor below him in the Caverns of Confusion. FOOOP! (Squeak) POOOF! Luckily for Cobbler and his band of merry mice, the giant afro happened to be very fluffy and squishy and thus it prevented the injury of everyone (except for that one mouse that was stationed at the lookout post who was turned into a pancake). Cobbler arose and looked around the cave. It was a normal-looking cave. In fact, it was a regular cave. “Hmm, I wonder why they call this the Caves of Confusion if nothing is con – EEWW! Yuk! Yak! yew!” cried Cobbler as he tripped over a mouse-pancake, “This pancake looks like a mouse but it tastes like a pancake, that’s very confusion.” Cobbler tried to regain his composure, but, before he could, he saw the following sing.

Appendix β - The Calendar from the back side of the page

Mon, 19 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

months

Chapter 12 - Peace Breaks Out

Sun, 18 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

*see appendix β for the calendar used on the back side of the page. **Constantly Electrocuted Organisms ***A cobbler is basically a pie that is square, thus π2 = Cobbler.

After a long 3 month conflict (it started on Estándo Biéndolos 3rd and ended on the 54th of Appothymer)*, the War of The Farmers finally ended at the battle of fertilizer hill. The War of the Farmers was started when two farmers go into an argument about what vegetables kids hate the most. The House of Pork was losing the battle due to the lack of food (their pigs were too useful in battle for them to be eaten) and the constant bombardment of giant cucumbers from the opposing side, the House of Lamb Castles. The giant cucumbers could be used for food but it was too dangerous to harvest them because of the threat of being squashed by cucumbers from the sky. The turning point in the wars was when the radioactive tsetse flies were found to be indestructible, and were sent out to retrieve the cucumbers form the battle grounds and forced to work in pickle factories making rations for the soldiers (radioactive flies were not used as soldiers because of there tendency to be easily distracted by all the garbage and debris on the battlefield). Problems arose when it was discovered that the tsetse flies had been using cheap tiny plastic imitation cucumbers because they would get very bad headaches when they were hit from the giant falling cucumbers. This caused an outrage from the soldiers, not because they didn’t like the plastic pickles (they were actually much better tasting than the alternative, a synthetic polymer version of a brine and vinegar treated fruit form the Cucumis Sativus plant) but because an unknown third party promised to give them a bunch of free candy if they protested against the tsetse flies and their nefarious cost cutting schemes. The House of York revoked the pickle pickling license form the tsetse flies and had the “Candy Store and Pickle Factory that Definitely Doesn’t Secretly use Tsetse Fly Slave Labor” produce their pickle products. This further caused the flies to become oppressed because in reality the “Candy Store…” place actually did secretly uses tsetse fly for slave labor (except for their Canadian subsidiary that used them for slave labour). The only other jobs available for large radioactive flies were even worse than slave labor, like being crash-test dummies, cleaning dorms or being CEO’s** of multi billion dollar corporations. One of the worst off tsetse flies was Radium Enriched Tsetse Fly Number 9.8696044… (often shortened to Rad Rich Fly num. ππ [usually further shortened to RaEF #π^2 {shortened even further to Cobbler*** (which is not usually shortened to Cob)}]). One of the problems Cobbler had that even though he was rather large for a tsetse fly he was rather small for a radioactive tsetse fly. He also had a very hard time filling out official paperwork because it took a very long time to write out his full official name due to the fact that it had 29 characters followed by an infinite series of numbers after it. The worst problem Cobbler had was that he was a Sus scrofa biting amplification, intensification and weaponization tester, so he basically spent his time being bitten by angry pigs with various types of dentures designed to maximize damage done per bite as well as the BPM (bites per minute).Cobbler was one of best employees at the testing facility, mostly because he got laryngitis and thus couldn’t scream very loud, and was rewarded by being the only tester they kept after the War of the Farmers was over. Sadly Cobbler’s life was going to get even worse, for he had dared to argue against the Narrator, a most foolish and… “Wait!” cried Cobbler, “I never argued with the narrator, I heard what happened to that poor fool, Joe. I would never argue with the almighty Narrator” Suddenly Cobbler realized that he had in fact argued with the Narrator about arguing with the Narrator, and thus the Narrator was right when he said the Cobbler had argued with him, the Narrator. “That’s not fair, you tricked me! I’ll report you to the Writer!” Sadly Cobbler didn’t realize that the writer is probably the same person and thus will probably take the side of the Narrator, and thus the Narrator will unleash horrible doom upon the argumentative Cobbler. (Luckily for Cobbler the Writer is slightly annoyed at the Narrator and thus will only allow the Narrator to give Cobbler Joe’s blue afro.) Pow? Blueafaummmm!!!

Appendix α - The less poetic version of chapters 9-11

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

Chapter 9 A large fat squirrel named Chernobyl ate a vat of radium making him very radioactive.

Chapter 10 Because of poor sanitation a large number of tsetse flies appeared and started tickling people, but were stopped because they were easily squished.

Chapter 11 The radioactive squirrel Chernobyl is abandoned by everyone he ever knew, but he meets some tsetse flies and makes them radioactive as well, causing them to grow large in size and to become indestructible, because of their previous reign of terror the tsetse flies are oppressed are forced into pickle making causing them to subsequently lose their little possessions in the great pickle market crash.

Chapter 11 - Bad Combinations of Chapters 9 and 10

Mon, 12 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

The radioactive squirrel, Chernobyl is totally alone Everyone has abandoned him, his friends, family, and even his clone He went out to search the whole land for people that could be his new friends He gave people prizes, like automobiles and personalized pens He found some nice friendly trolls, but sadly they had been turned into stone

A fly looked for food He met a squirrel who’s rude The squirrel had a nasty green glow It made flies shine bright as snow Radiation spewed

Chapter 10 - The Plague o’ Flies

Sun, 04 Apr 2010 00:00:00 +0000

No sanitation Rotting garbage everywhere KABLAM! Plague o’ flies

Genus Glossina A creature that flies around It’s a tsetse fly

Flies in your coffee Swimming in all the caffeine Hyper tsetse flies

Zipping here and there Moving too fast to be caught Beware tsetse flies

Flies with little wings Wings that flutter and tickle Hee hee hohuhap

It makes people laugh Laughing so hard that they cry Side aches hurt a lot

Chapter 9 - Chernobyl the Radioactive Squirrel

Mon, 29 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0000

There once was a rather large vat It was full of this and some that It had a nice fine sheen It glowed with bright green T’was Radium inside the vat

Chernobyl was large and very fat He liked to eat things that weren’t flat He scoured the whole earth For stuff to fill his girth So he found and devoured the vat

The vat made Chernobyl glow real bright It made him into a nice night-light It made him super slim And strengthened his right limb It also gave him super tall height